jokes

• A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
  The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.
  He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
  Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
  1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
  2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
  3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
  4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
  5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
  Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
• Q: Someone that knows three languages is trilingual. Someone that knows two languages is bilingual. So what do you call someone that only knows one language?
  A: An American.
• A son asked his mother, "Why are wedding dresses white?"
  She replied, "It shows your friends and relatives that the bride is pure."
  Then the son went and asked the same question of his father.
  "All household appliances come in white," said his father.
• A guy walks into a bar. He's ordering some drinks when he notices that there are two large pieces of meat stuck to the ceiling. So he asks the barman why they're there. The barman says, "Well, it's part of a little game I have going here. You've got to try and get those down from the ceiling without using a chair or a pool cue or anything else. If you manage, I'll give you $200. But if you try it and you don't succeed, you've gotta give me $200."
  So the guy eyes up the ceiling for a while, and eventually turns back to the barman and says, "No, I'm not going to try it." Of course, the barman says, "Why not? Look it's easy, all you've gotta do is get them down off the ceiling." And the guy shakes his head and says, "No, no, I can't do it. The steaks are too high."
• Two nude statues - one of a man, one of a woman - stand on opposite corners of a park, facing each other. After decades, a fairy godmother sees them and, feeling impish, turns them human. "You have an hour to do anything you like, then it's back on the pedestals with you."
  The woman looks at the man and asks, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
  He looks at her and says, "Absolutely."
  They rush into the bushes, hand-in-hand, and excessive grunting and thrashing can be heard. A half hour later, he steps out, looks at the park clock and calls back into the bushes, "Okay, time's half up. Now you hold the pigeons while I shit on them!"
• Q: What do you call a dog with iron balls?
  A: Sparky.

• A little girl and her mother were out and about.
  Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"
  The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."
  The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
  Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."
  The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
  The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
  The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.
  The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."
  Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.
  The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
  The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
  The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
  "Where did you learn that?"
  The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
• I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with demntia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
• Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, "Danger! Beware of Dog," posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
  He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
  "Yep, that's him," he replied.
  "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
  "Because," said the owner, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
• A woman had been having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any sign of advancing age. When she found a prominent gray hair in her bangs she pointed to her forehead and asked her husband, "Oh no, have you seen this?"
  "What," he asked, "the wrinkles?"
• A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."
  The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church.
  So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'"
  The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."
  The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."
• Arnold Schwarzenegger was driving down the road one evening, and he sees Jessica Simpson stumble out of a bar, shit-faced drunk. He pulls over and starts to offer her a ride home, but then he gets an idea.
  Instead, he offers to take her out to a cheap motel. She agrees, and they leave. When they arrive, he decides to show off a bit, to help get her blood flowing.
  He rips off his shirt and flexes his arms, and says, "See these? 10k pounds of dynamite, baby!"
  This sorta gets her aroused. He then rips his shorts off, puts one of his bulging calves in her face and says, "See these? These are another 10k of dynamite!"
  See then pushes him onto the bed and starts to remove his underwear. She shrieks in terror and runs away. He catches up to her, calms her down, and asks what was wrong she says, "Oh, with 20k pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, you had me worried!"

• Patient: Doctor, I can't stop singing "Delilah" and "The Green Green Grass of Home". What is wrong with me?
  Doctor: I believe you have what is known as Tom Jones Syndrome.
  Patient: Tom Jones Syndrome? My God, is that rare?
  Doctor: It's not unusual.
• A piece of string walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, "We don't serve pieces of string here." So the string walks outside, ties himself in a knot, and messes up his hair. Then he goes back into the bar and asks the bartender for a beer again. The bartender says, "Say, aren't you that same piece of string that was just in here?"
  The string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot!"
• A horse walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
• Q: Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
  A: It's all over town!
• Dear Tech Support,
  Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
  In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
  What can I do?
  Signed, Desperate

  ---

  Dear Desperate,
  First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
  Please enter the command "! http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
  But remember,overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download theSNORING Loudly Beta.
  Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
  These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
  In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend! Food 3.0 and HotLingerie 7.7.
  Good Luck, Tech Support
• Dear Tech Support:
  Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
  In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6.
  I can''t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
  Thanks,
  Troubled User

  ---

  Dear Troubled User:
  This is a very common problem that men complain about.
  Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
  You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
  The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
  Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
  WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
  Best of luck,
  Tech Support

• A man was going to the grocery store one day, when all of a sudden, an attractive looking woman walks up and says to him, "Hey, I know you. You're the father of one of my kids. Do you remember me?"
  The man is worried, and then he said, "Um... I think so. Were you the hooker who came to my friend's bachelor party last year, and then everybody got drunk and played truth or dare, and they dared me to have sex with you while wearing your underwear as a necktie?"
  Silence, then she said, "No, I'm your son's English teacher..."
• Q: What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common?
  A: No ballroom.
• A blond and a red head are walking down the street. They walk past a flower shop and the red head notices her boyfriend buying flowers.
  She says, "Damn my boyfriend is buying me flowers again!"
  The blond looks at her puzzled and and asks, "Why are you upset about your boyfriend buying you flowers?"
  The red head says, "Well, he just expects a lot of things when he buys me flowers and I do not feel like being on my back with my legs in the air all weekend long."
  The blond says, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"
• Q: How many Spaniards does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: Juan.
• Q: Why was 6 afraid of 7?
  A: Because 7 8 9.
• John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.
  On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.
  On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD to be done about John, he was just tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert him to be Catholic. They went over and talked with him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic.
  They took him to church and the priest sprinkled some water over him and told him "Your were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist and now you are a Catholic". The men of the neighborhood were SO relieved, now their biggest Lent temptation was resolved.
  The next year's Lent rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came and just at supper time when the neighborhood was setting down to their fish dinners came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! What was going on??? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was a Friday in Lent.
  The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was pouring small droplets over his steak on the grill and saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

• When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks.
  The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people, "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
  One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon.
  When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder, the elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
  Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.
  The Navajo elder''s comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.
  The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously, but he refused to translate.
  So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
  An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message, "Watch out for these jerks. They have come to steal your land."
• One day an old Iranian man who had retired as an American citizen called his son on the phone.
  "I don't know what to do about my garden. After the last harvest and the dry summer, the ground has become too hard for me to till. I don't have the strength to plant seeds as the tough dirt will is too strong for my arthritic hands to plow. Please come here and help me sow it."
  "I'm sorry, father, but I cannot at this time," his son replied. "I'm about to close a large contract at work and leaving now would be detrimental to its success. Also, you should not dig too deep or you will find the package my fellow brothers at the mosque back at home buried there so many years ago."
  The next day, several government agents arrived with a backhoe and shovels, tearing the land apart in search of the mysterious package, unable to find it.
  That night, the man wrote his son a letter...
  "Dear son,
  Thank you ever so much for your kind words on the phone call. The ground is now quite soft and easy for me to plant.
  Love,
  Your father."
• Q: What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
  A: The Holocaust.
• Q: What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?
  A: Eileen.
  Q: Yeah, but whaddya call a Chinese woman with one leg longer than the other?
  A: Irene.
• Q: What did one light bulb say to the other light bulb?
  A: Let's go out tonight!
• A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"
  "Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.
  "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

• Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
• Two hunters are out in the woods and one of them is taking a piss on a tree when a snake bites him on the penis.
  By the time they get to a phone the bite victim is near death. His friend calls a doctor in the nearby town and the doctor says, "He'll die before I get there unless you get the poison out. You need to make a small incision and suck the poison out." He says, "OK doc," and he hangs up.
  The near-death hunter asks, "What did he say?"
  "You're gonna die."
• A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.
  "You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
  With nothing to lose, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
  Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
  "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
  "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he’s screwing me."
  "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
• A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When he goes to pay, the bartender refuses, saying "For you? No charge."
• A snail slides into a Cadillac dealership and tells a salesman he needs the most expensive car they have. The salesman, estatically thinking of his comission, shows him the top of the line Caddy.
  She snail says, "This is perfect, except for one thing. I need to have a very large "S" painted on each door.
  The salesman asks, "Why in the world would you want that?"
  The snail replies, "Because, when I''m driving down the street, I want everyone to say, "Wow! Look at that S car go!
• A guy walks into a bar, clearly frazzled, and orders 12 shots of bourbon. The bartender lines them up, and the guy takes them down, hand over hand. He gets through about seven before taking a pause.
  "You okay," asks the bartender. "You seem like you're in a hurry."
  "You''d be in a hurry, too, if you had what I had."
  "What do you have?" questions the bartender.
  "Seventy-five cents."

• Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.
  He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
  Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
• Knock knock.
  Who's there?
  Little old lady
  Little old lady who?
  I didn't know you could yodel.
• A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
  He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
  "Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari."
  The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
  "You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
  So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
  "Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
  "Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
  "Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem." The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 - but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
  "Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is.."
  As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
  Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
  Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
  He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?
• Q: A boat carrying blue paint and a boat carrying red paint collided in the middle of the ocean. What happened to the crew?
  A: They were marooned.
• Daily Horoscope: Libra (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) - Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that.
• Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
  A: Piiig.
• A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
  The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
  The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
• Two snow men are standing in a field. One looks at the other and says, "Do you smell carrots?"
• The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
  "We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...
  "Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
  The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
  Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
  The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
  "Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
  The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
  Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
  The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
• Q: What's the leading cause of pedophilia?
  A: Sexy children.
• Q: Where do you find a leg-less turtle?
  A: Wherever you left it!
• Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
  A: It got stuck in a trap, bit off three legs and was still stuck.

• A guy was on vacation in Mexico and he went to see the bullfights. When it was over he went to a nearby restaurant. The waiter recited the menu and then said, "Since today there was a bullfight, we also have fresh testicles on the menu if you'd like to try them."
  The guy was always up for something new so he ordered them. They arrived and they were absolutely delicious; tender, flavorful, and unlike anything he'd ever eaten.
  Exactly a later he was back in Mexico on business, and he and his co-worker found themselves with an extra day to kill.
  "How about the bullfights?" He suggested. "Afterward we can get a beer at this restaurant nearby." His friend agreed and they went to the fights only to be told they were already over.
  "Let's go get a beer then," remembering the testicles he said, "we can eat, too. They have this dish you're going to love."
  They ordered the testicles but when the dish arrived the testicles were much smaller, weren't nearly as flavorful, and kind of disappointing.
  When they were done he asked the waiter what happened to the dish. They had been so much better last year.
  The waiter leaned closer and said, "Señor, the bull doesn't always lose."
• A Los Angeles Dodger races into a bar. The bartender throws him out. (substitute your "favorite" team/player)
• A neutron walks into a bar and says, "Hey bartender! How much for a beer?" The bartender looks at him and says, "For you? No charge!"
• A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
  "What are you doing?" She asked.
  "Hunting flies."
  "Oh. Killing any," she asked.
  "Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
  Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
  He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
• A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer and a mop."
• Two cows are standing in a field.
  One says, "Have you heard about mad cow disease?"
  The other replies, "Why do I care? I'm a helicopter!"

• A pirate walks into a bar with an enormous ship's wheel attached to his groin. He orders a grog, and as the bartender pours it he says, "Cap''n - forgive me - but what's with the wheel?"
  The pirate replies, "Arrrrr - it's drivin' me nuts!"
• There was a new bartender in town. One night, a man ran into the bar and screamed, "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, BIG JAKE IS COMIN'!"
  Everybody ran out the door shrieking in fear, except the terrified bartender.
  An enormous man with more tattoos than skin then stalked into the bar. He said, "I'll take a vodka. Now."
  The petrified bartender hands him the bottle. He drains it, and then eats the shot glass, followed by the bottle. The bartender, quivering in fear, said, "Would you...would you like another?"
  The hulking brute said, "No thanks. I've got to get out of here. Didn't you hear? Big Jake is comin'!"
• A three-legged dog limps into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
• Daily Horoscope: Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of that old underwear you own.
• Q: How many boring people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: One.
• Q: What's the difference between a gorilla and your mother?
  A: A gorilla is a majestic wild beast that lives in Africa. Your mother is a nice kind woman.
  I also have not had sex with a gorilla.

• This guy goes into a chemist (drug-store) for some Viagra.
  "Can I get it over the counter?", he asked.
  "You can if you take three", said the chemist (pharmacist).
• On the chest of a barmaid at Yale...
  Were tattooed the prices of ale.
  And on her behind,
  For the sake of the blind,
  Was the same information in Braile.
• Knock knock.
  Who's there?
  Boo
  Boo who?
  Don't cry its just a joke.
• A priest, a rabbi, and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What's this - some kind of joke?"
• Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are out on a camping trip. They trudge all day, covering lots of miles, and finally decide, just as dusk is falling, that it's time to set up camp for a night.
  They put up their tent, start a fire, cook a simple meal, eat, and both being exhausted from the day's exertions, decide to go to sleep.
  At about three in the morning Holmes shakes Watson awake and says, "Watson, look up at the stars in the sky and tell me what you deduce from them."
  Watson is sleepy, but he has learned that there is always a point to even the most random of Holmes's questions, so he does as he's told, and gazes up at the stars.
  "Well, Holmes," he says after a moment, "I can see millions of stars. Millions of them. And I guess if there are millions of stars, then around many of those stars there must be planets. And if there are planets around those stars, then some of those planets must be like our planet. And if planets like ours exist around some of those stars, then on some of those planets there may well be people, looking up at the stars and imagining that we exist as well. That's what I deduce from looking up at the stars, Holmes."
  And Holmes says, "No, Watson, you fool -- someone has stolen the tent."
• Q: What do you call a Chinese Firefighter.
  [wait for any response]
  A: A Firefighter you racist!

• A guy comes home from work and finds his girlfriend sitting on the porch, crying.
  "What's wrong, honey?"
  "I'm leaving you! I just found out you''re a pedophile!!!"
  "Pedophile?!? Why, that's a pretty big word for a ten-year old..."
• Q: What happens to a politician when he takes viagra?
  A: He gets taller.
• My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "Sixty two."
  He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at one?"
• Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business."
  He ignores it. It goes on for days.
  "Saul, sell your business for $3 million."
  After weeks of this, he relents and sells his store. The voice says, "Saul, go to Las Vegas."
  He asks why.
  "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas," is the only reply he gets.
  He obeys, goes to Vegas and from the airport straight to a casino. The voice says, "Saul, go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand."
  He hesitates but knows he must. He's dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing.
  "Saul, take a card."
  "What? The dealer has --"
  "Take a card!"
  Saul tells the dealer to hit him and he gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy.
  "Saul, take another card."
  "What?!?"
  "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!"
  He asks for another card. It''s another ace. He has twenty.
  "Saul, take another card," the voice commands.
  "I have twenty!" Saul shouts.
  "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice.
  "Hit me," Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one.
  The booming voice says, "Un-fucking-believable!"
• Q: What does a cow on a motorcycle say?
  A: ....mmmmmmmMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOooooooo....
• Q: What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
  A: "Do you smell carrots?"

• Two cannibals are eating a clown when one cannibal says to the other, "Hey, does this taste funny to you?"
• A deaf man is working for the Mafia and has been making their cash deliveries for them. He's been skimming some money from the envelopes for himself and ends up with $100,000.
  Eventually they catch on, so the angry Mafia boss goes to the deaf man's house with a sign language interpreter in tow.
  They knock on the door and the Mafia boss tells the interpreter, "Tell this asshole he better tell me where my $100,000 is or I'm going to make him die a very slow and painful death!"
  The interpreter translates to the deaf guy, and the deaf guy's eyes widen and he excitedly signs to the interpreter, "Shit, OK. The money's buried in my backyard underneath the elm tree, under the swing."
  The interpreter turns to the Mafia boss and said, "He said you can suck his dick, he'll never tell you where the money is.
• A conservative, a moderate, and a liberal walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hi, Mitt!"
• Q: Did you hear about the guy who had to quit his job at the orange juice factory?
  A: ...He wasn't able to concentrate.
• Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: It's a really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.
• Daily Horoscope: Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.

• Knock knock.
  Who's there?
  Control freak...now you say, "Control freak who?"
• I remember the last thing my Grandma said to me before she died, ‘What are you doing here with that hammer?’
• When I go I hope to die in my sleep like my Grandfather did. Not screaming and wetting myself like the passengers in the car with him.
• Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side.
• A man is sitting in his living room when he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and there's a snail there. The snail says to the man, "Excuse me sir, would you like to buy a magazine subscription?"
  The man picks up the snail and throws it as hard as he can and closes the door.
  Three years later, the man hears another knock on his door. He opens the door and the snail says, "What the hell, man?"
• A guy was driving down the road with 17 penguins in his car when a cop stopped him.
  The cop said, "Look, you need to take these penguins to the zoo."
  So the guy says, "Yes officer, I'll do that immediately."
  The next day, same guy is driving down the road with the same 17 penguins when the cop stops him again.
  "I told you to take these penguins to the zoo."
  "We did that yesterday. Today we're going to the beach.

• The Comic Sans font walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your type here."
• A construction worker brings his dog to work every day, and at noon tucks a 5 dollar bill under the dog's collar. The dog trots off to the local bar, where the bartender takes the fiver and gives the dog a sandwich in a paper bag which the dog brings back to the work site for his owner.
  One day, the man only has a 20, but figures that the bartender will be honest. An hour goes by, and he stomps angrily over to the bar where he confronts his dog who is sitting on a stool drinking a beer and eating a sandwich.
  "I never had change before" says the dog.
• Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducked in time.
• One atom says to the other atom, "I think I've lost an electron." The other atom says, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm positive."
• A guy goes to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor says, "First thing, you have to stop masturbating."
  "Why is that, Doc?"
  "Because I have to finish this exam."

• A man with a German Shepherd dog goes into a bar and sits down at the counter. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here!"
  The man says, "But this is a Seeing Eye dog!"
  "Well, OK, then I guess it can stay."
  After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As they're going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming in. First man says, "The bartender won't like you bringing that dog in here, but just tell him it's a Seeing Eye dog and then it'll be OK." The second man looks dubiously at his tiny Chihuahua, thinks a fews seconds, then thanks the first man and goes on in.
  The bartender says, "Hey! You can't bring that Chihuahua in here!" Man stares straight ahead and exclaims, "What! They sold me a Chihuahua?!"
• A man with hemorrhoids went to go see his doctor. His doctor prescribed suppositories and told the man to take one once every four hours.
  Weeks later he returned to his doctor saying, "I don't think those things you prescribed did any good at all! Plus, they tasted horrible."
  The shocked doctor replied, "What are you doing? Swallowing them?"
  The man replied sarcastically, "No. I'm shoving them up my ass!!!"
• FOR SALE: Bull dog. Will eat anything. Loves children.
• Daily Horoscope: Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 19) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long lest they take root and become trees.
• A man goes to see his Rabbi. He says, "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
  The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
  The man replied, "I think my wife is poisoning me. What should I do?"
  The Rabbi is very surprised by this and says, "I'll tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
  A day later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three long hours and I think you're right; she is poisoning you. Do you want my advice?"
  "What do you think I should do Rabbi?"
  "Take the poison."
• Q: What do you do with a blue whale?
  A: Try to cheer him up.

• A clown and a young boy walk into a dark forest. The boy says to the clown, “I’m scared.”
  The clown says, “You're scared? I’m the one that’s got to walk back out of here alone…”
• A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
  When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"
  "No, I'm sorry it isn't."
  "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
  "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
  Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
  His search continued as long as you want to draw things out, until finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
  "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
  "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
  "That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."
  "I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, gesturing to a fat fifty-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
• A grasshopper goes into a bar. The bartender notices him and says, "Hey! We've got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named James?"
• Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected. -- Robert Orben
• "Knock Knock"
  "Who's there?"
  "Interupting cow."
  "Interrupt..."
  "MOOO!"
• Daily Horoscope: Libra (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) - A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.

• A guy walks into a restaurant. He asks the waiter, "How do you prepare the chicken?" The waiter says, "We sit it down and say, 'It doesn't look good - you're probably not going to make it.'"
• A dog walks into a telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegraph." The guy says, "OK, shoot." Then the dog says, "Woof woof woof woof woof. Woof woof woof woof." The guy says, "That's only nine words. You can send another 'woof' for the same price." The dog stares at him puzzled, "But... That would make no sense..."
• Some muffins are in an oven and one muffin turns to another and says, "Hot enough for you?" Then the other muffin says, "OMG, it's a talking muffin!"
• Q: Why did Hitler not drink alcohol?
  A: Because it made him mean.
• A salesman goes to a house and a little kid holding a tumbler of scotch in one hand and lit cigar in the other answers the door. The salesman is puzzled and asks, "Little boy, are your mommy or daddy home?," and the kid says, "What the hell do you think?"
• A moth goes to a chiropractor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I just feel depressed all the time." The chiropractor says, "I'm sorry, if you have something wrong with your back or something like that I can help you, but it sounds like you need a psychiatrist. Why did you come see me?" So the moth says, "I couldn't help it, your light was on."

culled from lol.com